Chicago Memories: Hat's Off To Rich Koz

Before digital cable television and the Internet, there was UHF.  In addition to rounding out our entertainment options and being the inspiration for a highly underrated "Weird" Al Yankovic movie, the television channels that occupied the numbers north of 13 on our dials (yes, youngsters... some sets even had a separate physical dial for the UHF band), were also instrumental in creating a sort of regional culture.  Ask anybody who grew up in Chicago in the heyday of UHF -- the late 70's and early 80's -- and they will bond, with a wink and a nod, over the shared experience that you just couldn't duplicate outside of the Windy City.

Before regional markets became homogenized into a national basic cable package, we in Chicago enjoyed the emergence of cheaply produced content and tons of reruns paid for by those local businesses that couldn't quite afford the advertising on 2, 5, or 7.   Before cable news and nationally syndicated talk radio, we were hyper focused on the political drama that played out on our local stage.  And before every vehicle was equipped with a media player (be it 8 track, cassette, CD or mp3), we had our local radio celebrities, who entertained us, connected us and helped to foster our citywide culture.

Big Sky Stringband offers the song "Rich Koz" as a fond reminder of these days.  A catchy bluegrass inspired song, laced with tasteful acoustic guitar and mandolin runs and a funky little bass line, you can click on the audio player below to hear the tune and follow along with the lyrics in the greyxes quote bo boxes.  Using the song as our guide, and through the magic of YouTube and The Museum of Classic Chicago Television, let's take a stroll down memory lane....

Rich Koz - Big Sky Stringband [audio:http://tomorrowsverse.com/music/BSSB_CAU/RichKoz.mp3]

Hats off to Rich Koz, he was the Son of Svengoolie
Cellozi and Ettleson, make me feel so unruly

Rich Koz -- as the song says -- he was the Son of Svengoolie.  A Chicago born actor and broadcaster, Koz created the character, a Saturday afternoon monster movie host, on a pre-FOX WFLD channel 32.  His shtick was the epitome of "lo-fi": employing flying rubber chickens, a hammy Translyvanian accent, garish tuxedo, nonsensical catch phrases ('Berrrr-vyn'), and unfunny jokes for the commercial lead-ins to obscenely bad movies.

His peak of notoriety came during a heavily promoted 3D movie, broadcast into homes for the very first time.  After tons of hype, let's just say the effects weren't exactly Avatar quality.  The station was even the subject of a class action lawsuit from viewers that didn't get enough 3D from the 89 cent red and blue glasses that were purchased at 7-11.  Check it out below.

And speaking of catch phrases...   Cellozi and Ettleson (Nick and Maury to their close friends) certainly honed in on a good one to make them the #1 Chevrolet dealer in the country.  With their deer-in-headlights stares and iconic contrasting body styles, they alternate lines, finishing each others' sentences like soul mates and building tension for the big reveal at the end: the dramatic emergence of a large stack of bills from slightly off-screen, when they simultaneously deadpan "where you always save more money."   There's nothing like creating the mental image of an eager consumer walking into the Elmhurst dealership with huge stacks of hundreds to pay for his new Chevy, yet keeping a bunch in his pocket when the transaction was complete.

Got Lujack and Tommy and Animal Stories on 'LS
With Daley and Davis and Alderman Burton Natarus

The wacky morning zoo was pioneered by Larry Lujack (Uncle Lar) and his on-air sidekick Tommy Edwards (Little Tommy), mornings on WLS 890 AM.  Animal Stories was a popular segment in which strange tales from the animal kingdom were read aloud, with requisite zany sound effects and cheeky commentary, to the delight of listeners.  The whole thing hearkens back to a more innocent day of radio when the DJ could be the toast of the town, regardless of partisanship or willingness to get scatological.

Next, Big Sky delves into the seamy world of Chicago machine politics.  I suppose Daley could refer to either current "mare " Richard M., or Hizzoner Richard J.  I'm not sure who "Davis" refers to, but Burton Naturus -- which is a great name for anybody, especially a distinguished public servant for nearly 40 years -- is the longtime alderman of the 42nd Ward.  Until I heard this song, I didn't realize how badly this name cried out to be sung.  Just listen to the the sound of "Naa- taaaaa- rus", and you'll be singing it, too.

Rockabye your baby (Harry Schmerler is not afraid)
Rockabye your baby tonight

The singing Ford dealer is the source for the tune's catchy refrain.  I can't help but wonder if this concept would fly in an advertising boardroom today.  Certainly a plain looking pitchman, with a giggle inducing name (Harry Schmerler sounds like something you'd go to a dermatologist to get removed by lasers), may not have the sex appeal that today's demographers are looking for.  But, then comes the truly WTF moment -- relaxed and confident, Harry appeals to potential car buyers by crooning "Rock-a-bye Your Bay-beeee" directly into the camera and announcing himself as "your singing Ford dealer".  Because who doesn't secretly want a bespectacled car salesman with a rich baritone and no shame?

I was still a young child when i heard the Disco Demolition
The Empire Carpets guy was a man on a mission (588-2300)

If Uncle Lar and Little Tommy were Chicago's morning zoo, Steve Dahl and Garry Meier were the original Chicago shock jocks.  Like most entertainers in this medium, even to this day, the listener had to suffer through 55 minutes of tedium (and commercials) to get to five minutes of comedic material from Steve and Garry.  Though their radio careers have continued in Chicago until the present day, they most famously pushed boundaries in the age of UHF.

They will probably most famously be remembered for two reasons.  First, the ill-fated Disco Demolition Night, held as a promotion at Comiskey Park between games of a White Sox twi-night double header, it devolved into a full-on riot and resulted in forfeit of the nightcap by the Sox.   Second, their acrimonious parting of ways in 1993, which was drenched in finger pointing and shockingly personal accusations.

Does the name Lynn Hauldren mean anything to you?  You probably know Lynn better as the originator and portrayor of the Empire Carpets spokesman.  Either decked out in his workman-like denim outfit, or otherwise playing the role of everyman, his stoic good-looks and gentle demeanor resonated with viewers and -- along with the most catchy phone number jingle EVER (which Hauldren freaking WROTE) --  made Empire synonymous with home shopping and speedy, reliable delivery and installation for all of Chicagoland's carpet needs.  This guy was the face of Empire for so long, Chicago TV viewers literally watched this guy grow into an elder statement and eventually turn animated (he continued to voice the character).  Bissell Rug Shampooer, anyone?

Victory auto wreckers gives you cash on the spot
Saves you money on used parts to fix the car you've got

One of the most enduring images of the UHF era was the car that was such a piece of shit that just touching the door causes the whole damn thing to fall off, leaving its owner no choice but to throw his arms in the air in exasperation.  But hey, at least he is handed cash ON THE SPOT.

I'll be out in the Alsip Elk's Club, I'll be feeling no pain
Yes and old Frazier Thomas, he fixed the Grand Prize game

The first half of this stanza, refers to The Alsip Elk's Club, so either:

- My ears deceive me and I'm hearing it wrong
- There is some kind of inside joke that I just don't get, or
- This is an important part of lost Chicago culture that somehow is out of reach of Google

The second half is related to Frazier Thomas, ringleader of the Bozo Circus, and of host of The Grand Prize Game -- the ping-pong-ball-in-the-bucket challenge, that pitted children in a ruthless test of skill for highly desirable toys and prizes.  WGN has actively protected video footage of the Bozo show from surfacing on the Internet, but the following video survives;  somebody's home movie of the Bozo set, taken in 1977.

And the Dreaded Dukes of Berwyn, we bid you to come on back
A fight in the dark side of the the cloud with Vrdolyak, all right

Again, I'm not sure if I'm hearing this right, but this phrase at least sounds familiar and could be related to Rich Koz/Svengoolie, if the Berwyn reference was transcribed correctly.  No clue as to what the "fight in the dark side of the cloud" is referring to, but Ed Vrdolyak is the vowel-challenged, party jumping alderman who was mired in controversy throughout his political career but was always colorful and made for good copy.

There is another stanza tucked in there that starts with a reference to the glorious Walter "Sweetness" Payton and the 1985 Chicago mega-hit The Super Bowl Shuffle, but I left it out of this writeup since the second half is unintelligible to my ears.  What favorite Chicago memories do you have?  What am I missing?

Catch Big Sky Stringband perform "Rich Koz" and much more at Brixie's in Brookfield (it borders Berrr-vyn!) on May 15th.  Tickets are on sale now.

Update 5/11/2010

Full lyrics courtesy of the band with added insight below

Hats off to Rich Koz, he’s the son of Svengoolie
Celozzi and Ettleson make me feel so unruly
Got Lujack and Tommy and Animal Stories on LS
With Daley and Davis and Alderman Burton Natarus

Rock a bye your baby, Harry Schmerler is not afraid
Rock a bye your baby tonight

I was still a young child when I heard the Disco Demolition
The Empire Carpets guy was a man on a mission (588-2300)
They call him “Sweetness” and you know that he likes to dance
Stand aside for the Law brothers you know them as Rudy and Vance

Rock a bye your baby, Harry Schmerler is not afraid
Rock a bye your baby tonight

Victory Auto Wreckers gives you cash on the spot
Or saves you money on used parts To fix the car you got

I’ll be out in the Alsip Elk’s Club, I’ll be feeling no pain
Cursing old Frasier Thomas, he fixed the Grand Prize Game
And the dreaded Dukes of Berwyn we bid you “come on back”
After fighting the dark side of the Clout and Lord Vrdolyak

Rock a bye your baby, Harry Schmerler is not afraid
Rock a bye your baby tonight

It appears that what I couldn't hear from the recording was a line about the "Law brothers", Rudy and Vance.  Rudy and Vance Law, not actual brothers (and one look at the two of them together would end that suspicion), were teammates on the White Sox of the early eighties.  Vance went on to play for the Cubs by the end of the decade.

Davis, of course, refers to Alderman Danny Davis, which I kick myself for not getting.

And finally, our friends at the Museum of Classic Chicago Television point out that the "Metromedia" logo that I had used for Channel 32 has unsavory overtones of the transition to Fox.   To quote...

My only quibble is the inclusion of a "Metromedia 32" logo in there, since their ownership of WFLD/32 was relatively short-lived and arguably set the table for what Fox later did to the station. They helped put Son of Svengoolie on life-support at least, if I have my timeline correct.

These guys really know their TV.  They recommend using the logo below, so I'll oblige.